I have 3 REAL problems with myself. I’m self conscious, I get extremely Jealous and I think I’m like a teenage prodigy or something. I have no reason to believe so, I just do. These are all problems that could be detrimental for my social life and my emotional health. Because of that I am working on improving myself each day. Slow and steady wins the race. Self improvement is not something that can be read or taught. It’s something that requires physical action in small increments over an extended period of time . The key is SELF AWARENESS. You have to know the disease to know the treatment. Find your problem and your solution will become evident. Whats holding YOU back? I don’t know but, Here’s whats been holding me back for the past year and here’s what I’m doing about it.
Problem 1: I’m Self Conscious
I have trouble speaking my mind when I’m with people. This has been a problem for YEARS. I’ve always been the go with the flow type of guy. This is how I started using drugs. I wouldn’t say no to my friends. I couldn’t say no. I was terrified of negative reaction and confrontation. Sometimes in class I would have a question but, I would never ask because I thought it would make me seem stupid or oblivious in some way. People use to refer to me as boring because of my lack of insight. If being called boring won’t cause you to change, nothing will.
I often put myself in uncomfortable situations. I aim for once a day. Uncomfortable is very broad, that’s okay. Sometimes I’ll go in to Starbucks and ask for free coffee. The guy looks at me very funny and says no. This takes me out of my comfort zone and forces me to be looked at in weird way. This is what I’m consistently scared of. Sometimes I’ll tell an embarrassing story about my crooked past to my co workers. They might see me in a different light but that’s the whole purpose of not being self conscious. YOU DON”T CARE. This is priority number one. If I’m not uncomfortable once in a day, the day was wasted.
Problem 2: I Get Jealous
I’m jealous of my family, my friends, my peers. I can’t help it. Other peoples successes just make me dwell on my failures. This is a shitty feeling . I feel like a shitty person thinking this way but It’s not like I can flip a switch and my personality will change. I wish it would but it doesn’t.
This is a very tedious practice but it produces results. It’s simple, I FAKE IT TILL I MAKE IT. I congratulate people for their every success. I never try to demean a person with the potential cons of the success even if I believe it to be realistic. With every “genuine” congratulations, I feel myself getting closer to actually feeling happy for other peoples success.
Problem 3: I Think I’m Special
For some inexplicable reason, I think I’m the best. I think I’m a Genius. I think I’m an Alpha Male. This is probably not true but I don’t know it for sure. I’m working on suppressing my mental state because I know nothing good can come out of it. I often judge people and put them below me because I think I’m simply better then them. This is not true. No one is better then anyone. Everyone has a reason and a experience which led them to do what they do. Just think, if you were born with their personality and their life, you’d be them. I still need to work on putting this notion in my brain.
I do two things to shut my ego up. Whenever I think of judgement or criticism for another person , I think about what I say but don’t feel .” If you were born with their personality and their life, you’d be them.” This actually deletes the negative thoughts from my brain and gets me thinking about why this person is doing what there doing. The other thing I do is READ. Reading has some many benefits it would be foolish to make a list. With every book I read I am reminded how little I know about the world.
These solutions are never ending processes. I am hoping for the day where I skip the daily treatment and am finally cured. Too bad I will never be able mark this day in my calendar because it will just be a part of my personality at that point. Faking It is the easiest way to make it for me . My brain is fooled by my actions. What can I say, I’m special.