Fucked Story Fridays: Mutant Vomit

I remember the first time I got fucked up, I don’t mean stoned, I mean FUCKED UP. I was at my friends house and we smoked weed for like an hour straight. When we were done, we went into his living room to play Mindcraft. Once I sat down on that couch, the weed went into full effect. I had no comprehension of what was going on around me. I remember just roaming around the Mindcraft world with no clear intentions, it was like virtual reality. I couldn’t really see anything that clearly either, it was like there was a green transparent curtain over my eyes that was trying to prevent me from capturing any visual memory from that night. It did its job, the only image I have from that night is me just staring mindlessly into a screen in awe about the beauty of Mindcraft . I was so blitzed my nervous system went into low power mode. Every thing I touched and felt was magically emphasized. The couch I was sitting on felt like gods mattress,my insides were tingling, and my thoughts were intense. My friend still makes fun of me till this day for the things I was saying, he said I sounded like a cheesy 90’s stoner film. He insists the funniest quote of the night was when we settled down to watch  Family Guy and I randomly blurted out “There are ANGELS on my knees”. Understandably, I still get laughed out for that. Anyway, this little snippet provided as introduction for my first Fucked Story Friday. It also shows how retarded weed makes me, here’s what happens when you bring alcohol into the game.

My house was always the go to house for drug induced hangouts. Since my dad doesn’t live with me and my mom works till like midnight on the weekends, it was an unsupervised household between 6 and midnight. It was a drug addicts wet dream. The first time I had one of these hangouts the night was all planned out. We were going to get stoned, make a campfire and go in the pool. As soon as the goons arrived at my house we went straight to business, joints were lit and bowls were passed. After this little smoke session we set up the fire and roasted marshmallows. I don’t remember the idiot who suggested the idea of stealing my moms vodka and water down what we take, but whoever it was caused an incredible inconvenience for me. I didn’t want to drink nor steal but I was heavily peer pressured into doing both. Little did I know about the magic rule when it comes to the mixing weed with alcohol. DRINK BEFORE YOU SMOKE AND ONCE YOU SMOKE DON”T DRINK ANYMORE. I learned this rule the hard way numerous times, including this time.

So all four of us gather around my kitchen table to  take shots. I really didn’t wanna get caught stealing vodka for obvious reasons so I only took 2 shots each. This was somehow more then enough. From the first taste we were all gagging and dry heaving like a 60 year old man that smokes 3 packs a day. It tasted no different then Purell. Slowly and steady we finished are shots and resorted back to the campfire and roasted more marshmallows.

Once we sat down in our lawn chairs, motivation rapidly plummeted. No one wanted to do anything. EVERYONE was shot. One of my friends was making an effort to make everyone else laugh but it just wasn’t working. Then something he said made all of us start dying with laughter, I don’t remember what it that was so funny was but whatever it was, it was hilarious, until. BLHHHH!!!!!! One of my friends pukes all over my back patio. My other 2 friends started laughing even harder while I fall into a neurotic panic. I was in shock, my hands wouldn’t leave the top of my head, it made it worse because I was beyond fucked up. My brain wanted to clean it up but my body just wanted to lay down and forget the whole thing happened. But I knew my mom was coming home soon and I didn’t want to lose my “good boy” status, I didn’t want her on my case and killing my buzz for the whole summer.

I took the gardening hose attached to my house and went to work, there was just one problem, my friend had mutant vomit. The puke was thick, sticky and distinct. It reminded me of penne alla vodka. After 5 minutes of watering down the orange waste and doing nothing but leaving chunks on my lawn, I gave in to my bodies demands and put my friends to sleep, then myself to sleep.

It didn’t take long for my mother to notice the throw up on her patio, she woke me right up and gave me a lecture about drinking. She insisted I clean it up but my body wouldn’t let my brain say yes, so I said I would do it in the morning and went to sleep. When I woke up it wasn’t there anymore. I felt really bad for my mother but at the same time I just wanted to get high. That wouldn’t be the last time someone gets too fucked up at my house. I have 2 years worth of fuckery to share.



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